February...Already

Today I am sleep deprived. Today I am moody. Today I am likely to cry over nothing. Today I want to go back to bed and stay there for a day or two. Why when you warn someone of that do they have to irritate the crap out of you? When I say I don't want to talk about it or it is not important why can't it just be left alone? Why keep pushing when you know how it will end? Yes, of course it ends in an argument and tears. My tears. There is never an apology. Nothing ever gets resolved because it is never going to be the right time to talk about it. Never the right time, never the right time, never the right time...I am so tired of those words. It seems to be the theme around my life. Never the right time for my needs and my wants and my feelings, but always the right time for whatever anyone else wants. I know that when you become a wife and a mother there is a level of sacrifice involved that no man or child can ever understand, but all the time?? Really?! I am tired of always being the one that is put last. I am tired of my feelings not being important. I am tired of feeling like I cannot talk to my husband. He is not holding up his end of the bargain and yes, I am pissed off for that. I try to over look it. I am putting all my faith in God. How dare he question my faith in God when clearly he has none!! I pray and pray and pray for what I need and I am trying to be patient, but everyday is a struggle. Everyday it seems like there is new disappointment. Everyday the same thing consumes me and I cannot talk to my husband about it. Why?? Because he is tired of hearing about it. He is tired of it consuming me. He is tired of feeling like I blame him. Why does there have to be blame involved? No one is blaming anyone. I am supposed to be able to talk to him about anything, but this one thing, the biggest thing, I can't. I have never felt as alone as I do right now. I am supposed to be doing the "Love Dare" with 2 of my very best frineds, but even day 2 is a struggle right now. I love my husband and I am happy and blessed to have him, but this one thing...this one thing is clouding my vision so badly. I need to get through this day without anymore tears. Somehow I think that is going to be impossible.

Not so secret anymore, is it?!

Yesterday afternoon I was finally told what I have been suspecting for months now. The boss told me that he is "seeing" the other secretary at the office. Talk about the worst kept secret. Like I said...I have suspected for months. That explains a whole lot of the crap that has been going on for months now. It explains all the preferential treatment that is getting so very old. It explains why she pathetically trots down the hall after him as soon as he comes through the door and holes up in his office for what seems like hours at a time. I know, I know to each his own, but when it starts affecting my job we have problems. Now, we have problems. I bust my hump for him and what do I get berated for not working fast enough. Never mind the fact that I told him I was having computer problems. the only help his girlfriend gave me was "oh, well, that sucks." I wanted to hit her. Seems like that is how I spend most of my days...wanting to hit someone. I have got to get out of there soon. There is so much more going on, but I cannot focus. I have a German shepherd all over me wanting his attention. I will try to keep up better with this, but these days it is just too hard.

There are so many thoughts in my head...

I have so many things that I want to say in this blog entry. I am sure that this will be a jumbled mess, so bear with me. I guess I will start back to a few days ago. I took the day off work to get the kids to and from school on the first day. I guess this would have made it last Wednesday (the 13th). It was a sad day for me as it was. Thursday came and I was exhaused beyond belief, but went to work. Only to find out that the princess decided to pay the mid-month bills. WTF?! I take one day off and she feels the need to go through my desk and do my job. She is NOT supposed to even have access to the bill paing part of the accounting due to the fact that she has (or had, but you know what they say) sticky fingers. Again I say WTF?! I was out for one stinking day. This is NOT the first time that she has done this. I just get tired of this mess. I honestly do not know how much more of the BS I can take. I could go on and on about what a load I think it is that she gets to leave at 4:30 everyday so she can work out. I have asked to change hours, but I get the same old crap...We will see. I was in the office at 7:20 this morning. I was at my desk working at 7:30 and guess what...I was effing stuck there until 5:00 tonight. OVER IT! OVER WORKING! WANNA STAY HOME!

Like I said...my mind is a jumble tonight. We finally met with the sitter that we hired to stay with the kids after school. This is a huge step for me. My kids have never been with anyone other than family (that includes our church family). Now, I have to trust my precious children with a stranger. This is a hard thing for me to do. I know that she is very capable and I really get a good vibe from her, but IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE ME! I guess you could say that I hit one of those impatient times. I need to pray to get through these times. I need an outlet. I sometimes feel like I don't have one of those. Jason just takes it all the wrong way and I know that my friends are tired of hearing about it.

On a totally different note, though, we went away for the weekend to North Carolina to see my Uncle and my Great Aunt. It was a nice quick visit. It was good to see them. My Great Aunt was so surprised. It is a good feeling when someone is actually happy to see you when you spent so many years being the black sheep. I held that title for many years. Actually, I would have to say it was until just recently. It is hard to be the black sheep. It leaves you with this huge chip on your shoulder. I don't need that crap anymore. That part of my life is over. I am a different person. The amazing man (that I was so upset with today) rescued me from all the bad that I had going on. He has been many things to me. Many things that he will never even know that he was or still is. He allowed me to become the woman that I am today. I was always too scared to let her shine, but he gave me the courgae to let her shine. I recognize that I have my own brand of crazy, but who doesn't? I think that we all have our own brand of crazy. Mine can just sometimes be really out there.

I told you that my head was a jumbled mess tonight. If you made it this far, thank you for letting me get these things off my chest. I suppose that it is time to end my post for tonight. I need to shower and get to bed. This up early stuff is really killing us in this house. I will continue to pray for patience and a job for my husband and a baby. I only ask that whoever is reading this can do the same for me.

How Time Flies

Well, today was the last day of summer. Tomorrow my oldest will start middle school and my youngest will be in first grade. When I was a kid it wasn't "middle school" it was "junior high." JUNIOR HIGH!! Where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday I gave birth to them. I feel like I missed out on so much because I always had to work. There was never a choice in the matter. I am so blessed to have the amazing children that I have, but their bio-fathers were in a word...SORRY. Thankfully, for the small price of about $16,000.00 I was able to rid myself (and my family) of one of the sperm donors. I am, however, still stuck with the other one. Brooke is so nervous about middle school tomorrow and do you think that he had the courtesy to even call and wish her good luck?! Do I even need to answer that question? He most likely does not even know that she is starting school or what grade she will be in. He is too wapped up in the new baby that is coming in September. I want to protect my sweet girl, but I also want her to see him for what he is...SORRY. This blog was not supposed to turn into a rant about her sperm donor, but I just get so upset when I know he disappoints her.

I guess I should try to get myself back on focus here...I was originally thinking about time and how fast time passes. It seems to me like it started passing faster once I was lucky enough to be blessed with my amazing children. Sometimes I wish that I would have been a better mother when they were so little. I am not saying they were abandoned or un-loved. My kids will NEVER be able to quesion my love for them. They are always getting a hug or kiss. I always tell them that I love them. I only mean that sometimes I feel like I did not cherish the little moments enough. God was gracious enough to allow me to be there for first words and first steps, but what about morning wake-ups and nap time...I hate that I was always forced to work. As we begin this new chapter of our lives, I can only pray that God will be gracious to me again sometime soon. I have faith that God will answer my prayers, but I also know that it will have to be on HIS time. I have a problem being patient. I am pretty sure that God is testing my patience right now. HE is trying to teach me how be more patient. Sometimes I think that I am learning, but then one of those bad days pop up and oops I get all impatient again.

I have never been good with patience, so I can only pray that God will decide when I have learned enough and answer my 2 biggest prayers.

So I was thinking...

Is the grass really greener on the other side? As humans we pray and pray and pray for what it is that we think we want, but are we happy when God finally gives us what we have been asking for?

I pray everyday (more than once a day usually) for the same thing. I pray for Jason to find a new job making enough money to allow me to be a Stay At Home Mom. That is all I want. Well, that and my third child. My oldest is 11 and my yo9ungest is now 6. The time needs to be soon. I am getting impatient. I want so badly to see what that life is like. I need to be patient, but sometimes it is so hard. Bad days at work make it harder for me to be patient.

I think that I will be happier once I am a SAHM. I cannot wait to find out, so I ask anyone that reads this blog to please pray that Jason finds a better job and I get my prayers answered.

Deal Breakers...

Those 2 words are harsh to think let alone blog about. I have been thinking about deal breakers quite a bit the past few days. However, I think the ultimate deal breaker happens when a friend (a supposed best friend at that) informs you that not only are they having their third child before you, but that they are also throwing around using the name that you have had "dibs" on for over a year now as a middle name. Is that a deal breaker or am I being over sensitive? Keep in mind I have no idea if there will be a third child at this point, but I told her over a year ago what my 2 names were. I told here to avoid this issue, but am I really surprised? I suppose not. This is nothing new with her, but my names...SERIOUSLY!?

Downward Sprial

Those words describe how I feel right now. I have so many wonderful blessings in my life that I thank God for every single day. More than once a day, but essentially those words describe how I feel. Lately these days I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't want to face my day. I hate working and more than anything want to be a SAHM. That was the plan. The plan is not working out that way. After a talk with the boss Jason finally decides that NOW he must be diligent in looking for a job. What has he been doing all those other months? Clearly NOT looking for a job. This is just the tip of the ice berg. A few days ago he tells me that he is back on the fence about wanting another baby. That hurt. We had a common goal, but now I feel like all that is changing. We searched for a house big enough to accommodate another baby, but now he does not know. Lately I feel like the relationship has been all give. Like I get nothing in return except criticism. Like nothing that I want or feel that I need is important enough. The most recent issue is that of money. I don't think that we realized how much it really costs to move. I feel like my stuff just has to wait so that he can have his. I am sad and feeling really down on myself lately. I am tired of being the cheerleader when I do not get that in return. I get criticism. I pray to get through this time in my life. I hope that these feeling go away soon. I cannot live this way, but I don't know how to pull myself out either...